I’m drowning

I’m not ok dad. I’m drowning in thoughts of you. I think about you constantly. Some days, as selfish as it sounds , I force myself not to think of you. It hurts to much . I refuse to believe it. I don’t believe your truly gone. It hurts to my core to think about what you went through. Suffering everyday. The memories of driving to chemo. You loved looking out the window and looking at the Hudson River, and the boats . I remember looking at you . It was almost as if I could read your mind. I can see the sadness in your eyes. So many beautiful memories made on that river, and so many memories that will never be made. I remember the look on your face while you waited to get injected with poison. Your strength was unbelievable. I remember sitting with the doctor and you genuinely asking about his family and his life, while fighting for your own. I always tried my best to stay strong for you. To make you smile or laugh in anyway I could. Inside I was slowly dying with you. I remember the nights you spent overnight in the hospital. I never wanted to leave you. I’ve slept in chairs, windows, waiting rooms, just so you never had to be alone. Every time, you would obviously always fall asleep first. I would just lay there and stare at you. Embracing you. Remembering and cherishing every single thing about you. Your gentleness. The feeling of warmth when being around you. The feeling of safeness. Your love and acceptance. So many nights spent in the hospital ,that I would silently cry and pray for it to be a nightmare. Only to be awaken by a nurse checking on you in the middle of the night. So many times I would get angry. So angry. Why are we here ? We should be out to dinner, out on the boat , looking forward to the holidays. I miss you more than I ever thought was humanely possible. I think about the last night we spent together as a family. When you were slowly slipping away from us. We all slept together. All cuddled up in some way. My head was buried under your arm and Into your side. Every once in awhile I would grab your hand and intertwine my fingers into yours . Knowing it would be the last time I would hold my dad’s hand. God I miss you dad. I just want you back. Life is so unfair. You had so much left to do......