STRAIGHTFOWARD

It’s been so hard. Everyday , several times a day, I have to remind myself that he’s gone. The gut wrenching nightmares, only to wake up and realize it’s reality. The flashbacks of him suffering. The heartbreaking look in his beautiful blue eyes. The look of defeat and sadness when he knew the end was near. Every single one of us, at some point in our lives, will lose someone we love. We don’t know who and we don’t know when. Grief will consume all of us at some point in time in each of our lives. It’s just the way life goes. What I can’t get past, is the horrific eight months my dad endured. For my big muscular, six foot three dad, not be able to walk from the house to his truck. Just one month after diagnosis. Blood clots in his lungs nearly killing him. Falling in the middle of the night, where he begged my mom “don’t tell the kids.” Getting septic shock and not even knowing his first name. Why? Isn’t the devastating stage 4 pancreatic cancer news enough ? Up until his very last breath he suffered. Every single day for eight months he was tortured. Mentally and physically. Us four having to watch the person we love most gasp for air. And as he slipped away, blood poured out of his mouth. The mouth that once kissed my beautiful moms lips. The mouth that once shaped all three of us kids into who we are. The one who sang uncle kracker any chance he got. The mouth who always had advice. All I ask is why? I know we all have grief , but why all this? Why did he have to go through all of that ,and why do us four now have to live with those images. I know this is very straightforward. But it’s the reality of what went on. I don’t know how us four are living our life. All I know is that life itself has been one big blur. Each of us just trying to get through each day, and live a somewhat, "normal" life.