My mind never stops

I never realized how writing was my outlet. A place to let everything out, and not be judged. I’ll be honest. I never thought this type of pain existed, that everyday I would wake up to a nightmare. He’s really gone. No matter what I do, he’s not coming back. I’ll never get to talk to my dad again. I’ll never get to see him. Obviously I always knew , this day would come. I just never thought it would come so soon.

It feels like just yesterday I was wishing to be 16, to get my license. 18 to graduate and move out of the house. 21 to drink. Mid 20’s to get married and start a family .......but then all of the sudden, BAM .... it’s here. (Granted, I’m 23 and plans of having a child by now, is something I laugh about)Those years are gone. They’re never coming back. All were left with is memories. We will never be able to enjoy those exact moments again.

When I was younger, I used to be terrified of what happens after we die. I actually used to cry, in a panic ....thinking about the fact that we’re on a spinning ball in the middle of fucking no where. A no where, that nobody can explain. A no where , that actually may be a somewhere, to other creatures in another universe. I think in so much depth. Sometimes I feel as if I’m on their verge of a mental break down. How? How are we literally in the middle of space. It blows my mind , daily.

I feel like I was cursed, to think in so much depth... constantly. But then again, I would rather feel so much, rather than just roll with the motions everyday. How do people just repeat their days... knowing any day can be their last. That’s the thing though. Everyone knows they will eventually die. That any-day can be their last. But people truly don’t realize it until a tragedy or loss happens. Than it’s to late.

I’m grateful , that I’ve experienced tragedy and hurt at such a young age. To be exact, when I was 16 my mom was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. It was terrifying. It showed me a reality. That life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Also at the age of 16,my cousin was in a life changing car accident. From that day forward, I never took one day for granted. I never lost a moment to tell my loved ones that I loved them. 21, when my fiancé cheated on me a few months before our wedding. That taught me pain, forgiveness and uncertainty. Which brings me to now, 23. Am I strong ? Yes...but did I ever think I would lose my dad at such a young age ? No , I thought I had so many years left with him. So many more memories to make

Which brings me to why I’m grateful. I’m grateful because I look back and have no regrets. I spent every waking moment with my family, and will continue to do so. My mom and dad have always been my bestfriends. I would always chose a night out with them , instead of friends. Heck on the night of my all night grad party, I went to be with my family instead of being there. Why? Because I knew a majority of those people wouldn’t matter in a few years. So yes, I’m grateful. That I will never have an ounce of regret.