New “normal”

The days just seem to pass by , with no meaning. As if I’m waiting for the day that everything will be ok, and “normal” again. Knowing deep in my soul, my life will never be normal again. I will always imagine what my life would be like if my dad were still here.

I find myself remembering small things about my dad. As my mom and I sit in the living room watching tv. How the house just seems so empty. I remember how my mom and I would give each other the annoyed look when my dad would answer a phone call on speaker while we were watching a movie. Or when he would chew ice so loudly. The small things that I would do anything to have back. The things that made my life “normal.” How will I never see him again ?

I struggle with so many thoughts daily. Things I could’ve done or should have done . Things I should have said. Questions I should have asked. Pictures that should have been taken. So many beautiful memories. Some so hard to remember. Everyday I replay our last vacation together. If only I knew it would be our last. Maybe I would have embraced it more. I think about the night on vacation that my dad and I danced until 2 am. I remember there being so much laughter and love. I never wanted the night to end . When the bar was closing we were so bummed. I remember waking up the next morning and we were so hungover. I actually woke up with my face in chicken Alfredo. We ordered room service and got the best breakfast ever. He felt so hungover he didn’t even eat. So I ate my food and most of his. We spent the rest of the day by the pool ordering frozen drinks, trying to mask our hangover. Oh how I would do anything to relive that day one more time. To dance to just one more song.

One memory I replay in my head , hurts to my core. A few days before he passed, we laughed until we cried. I cherish that laugh more than anybody can fathom. In that moment as I was crying, my emotions were all over the place . I was crying from laughing , but when I realized it would probably be our last laugh I started crying even more. I had never felt so much joy and pain in the same exact moment .

I look back on my 23 years of being and question why I never embraced every moment the way I did when my dad was diagnosed. Why didn’t I allow myself to soak everything in? Why did I let the little get under my skin?

I’m amazed at the person I’m becoming mentally. I surprise myself daily. I see life in a whole new way. I see people in a whole new way. Things that used to bother me , don’t. Things that never bothered me , do. For once I can actually say, I really do not care what anyone thinks of me or the decisions I make. I will live every moment as if I wont be here tomorrow.